Loneliness: Why It’s Ok to Feel Lonely, A Mindfulness journey.

The other day, I was on one of my long walks. These are the times when I enjoy letting my mind wander as I look out over the bluff at the horizon. This particular day, as I was walking, I felt a strong sense of loneliness.

It hit me like a brick.

I was lonely. I wanted to tear up, it was that strong….

But I am not alone. I’m with clients most mornings. I have a great family; my brother lives close to me and I see him often. My beautiful kids are always around. I have great friends who embrace me. I always run into people I know at the grocery store or coffee shop. I am not alone, so why do I feel this way?

I have been practicing mindfulness for many years now, and there are certain feelings that can take a hold of me and send a little panic into my system. In mindfulness, you try and observe the thought or feeling without letting it become you. So, I allowed the thought to flow, observing it like a train moving slowly in front of me.

As I let the feeling wash over me, I realized… this is what it means to be human. I was reminded that we live in tribes. Our tribes are made of family, friends and community members. We are pack animals who travel in groups. We build places where people can meet up and connect. We meet for happy hour, a meal, a hike, a gym class, a book club. We create communities and we serve each other with volunteer groups. Our society thrives in connecting.

There are different types of connections though. There is the connection we make with friends, the strong bond we have with our families, the ones we make with those we work with, and the connections we make through romantic relationships.

They are all different and feed us in different ways. So, when we feel loneliness, we have to understand what it is we are needing. Which connection are we craving?

Loneliness can be something we want to avoid, so we hurry up to meet with friends, find new relationships, work harder or distract ourselves by taking on new projects because the feeling is too intense, so we want to avoid it. We want to block the very thing that makes us human, that reminds us to engage, to serve and to love. We miss the opportunity to understand it’s meaning deep within us.

We lose that sense of mindfulness. With the internet and our obsessions of all things Instagram, we are losing our connections. People feel lonelier, no matter how hard they try to connect. Connections come through human contact. That means being present for each other.

When we feel lonely, we panic. That little nervous system response of fight or flight comes in and then we worry we won’t have friends or we won’t be loved or have community.

But if we observe, if we just allow ourselves to feel it and breathe it in, we can actually connect to others with intention. Connections without intention just lead to feeling more alone.

It’s a life force inside of us that is trying to find others.

I know this because it has happened to me before. There is no loneliness in life like that after losing a loved one. Last year, I lost one of my favorite people, someone I have been connected to all of my life: my dad. In the middle of last winter, I was feeling a giant hole inside me. It was a deep hole, because one of my major life forces was gone. So, I reached out to some good friends and told them how I was feeling. I did so hesitantly. Anytime we are vulnerable in a situation like that, we fear rejection. To ask for connection from others can feel scary. But in this case, they embraced me into their home kindly and were thankful that I had reached out to them. We talked and laughed over dinner and wine. They knew my dad well and were there to support me in a time of grief. It filled me up, and I was so thankful that I was received. I realized that the hole I felt can’t be filled up by one person or one thing, but by continuing to be present and to be honest about my feelings with those close to me.

It makes the grieving part a little less lonely for me. It also reminded me that when we seek others with mindful intention to connect, most people will respond in kind. That deep part of us recognizes it in others, and a beautiful synergy occurs when both parties of that connection are fed.

So, I am thankful that I can look at loneliness as a reminder that we are human. We all need each other and to trust in our need for those personal connections.